Guam Just Completely Owned by Snakes

Guam has been overrunslithered by the Brown Tree Snake, a species that showed up on the 500 square kilometer island after some snuck aboard cargo planes during World War II. After decimating 12 different species of birds, the snakes have moved on to rodents, other lizards, and small mammals, and have even shown up in people’s beds. The US government seems a little concerned, and has been para-dropping (yeah seriously) dead mice laced with acetaminophen, which is just as poisonous to the snakes as it is ineffective against my hangover.

This strategy seems to be both an innovative solution and a potential premise for a Rats of NIMH sequel, but it may not be enough. Scientists estimate that there are already 2 Million snakes on the island, which makes the ratio of snakes to people on Guam more than 10:1. Of course, that pales to the alarming 17.3:1 ratio that the cast of Snakes on a Plane had to deal with when snakes took over their plane. The analogy is fitting, because Snakes on a Plane writer David Dalessandro got the idea by reading an article about Brown Tree Snakes sneaking onto planes during World War II.

In addition to mouse-bombs. the US government has deployed an “army” of dogs, trained to sniff out the snakes to prevent any from leaving the island and spreading. I think that the humans should leave, and let the snakes, the dogs, and the mouse corpses duke it out Redwall style.

Pentagon Encourages Robots to Problem-Solve, Adapt, Learn

The Defense Advanced Research and Planning Agency (DARPA) at the Pentagon has offered $2 Million Dollars to top scientists who can create a robot that might serve as a “first-responder” to a Fukushima-like nuclear disaster. Sounds good right? You might think, “Wow, that’s so great the the Pentagon is offering up all this money for a robot that can help save people from nuclear disaster!” Well before you get to comfortable, and starting thinking, “This week isn’t a week in hell at all!”, here’s a rundown of what DARPA wants the robot to do.

1) Driving a tank vehicle to a simulated battlefield disaster site.

2) Moving across a field of human skulls rubble.

3) Removing corpses rubble from an incriminating mass grave entryway.

4) Climbing a stack of bodies ladder.

5) Using a rail gun tool to break through the human’s last line of defense a concrete wall.

6) Finding and killing closing a John Connor valve on a leaking pipe.

7) Replacing a government of laws and men component, with a like a cruel, never-ending hell-scape cooling pump.

Clearly, teaching robots how to adapt to tough environments and use tools is a problem. What’s next, instilling in them a sense of revenge? Or a series of safeguards to ensure their primary programming directive is to protect humans, eventually leading them to the conclusion that the only way to protect humanity is to control it? Or giving deadbeat Hugh Jackman in the future a way to reconnect with his son? Real Steel? No? Ok.

EU turns to small child to save Europe

An 11-year old Dutch schoolboy has been given special honor for an award that calls Europe’s greatest minds to solve the EU debt crisis. Jurre Hermans, who heard about the £250,000 prize on TV, decided to send in what he deems a “clever solution”; a presentation that includes complex theoretical models  that “liken Greek debt to a pizza.” Hermans’ full entry is available online, but I have included a diagram below:

While it is easy to indulge and dismiss this young boy’s simplistic understanding of currency markets, there is a lot of insight in this picture. Notice how the choice of pizza is pepperoni, which adequately represents how bloated and unhealthy Greek government has become. The cash flows are depicted as straight lines (corporate profits), curvy lines (government investment in infrastructure), and dotted lines (revenue from tourism to Thermopylae after 300 came out on blu-ray). Finally, notice how Hermans correctly depicts the angry Greek citizen as having no role in the flow of currency and being comprised of 90% torso.

Ironically, for his economic insight Jurre Hermans was awarded 100 euros. If he is the economic genius we think he is, he’ll trade for gold and bury it in his backyard.